Shit! Here I sit in front of the fan crying my bloody eyes out. Why aren’t I beautiful!? Why doesn’t Michael love me? I guess I’d better tell the whole story. Today I had yard duty with Cheryl and she told me she asked Michael if he’d go with me. Michael said “no” because I’m a tart. And he said that he only wants to pash with me. I didn’t expect him to love me, but I didn’t want him to take me as something cheap. How could he say that? Anyone but Michael. Anne has reduced her bet to five cents, so even she knows I’ve got no hope now. All day at school was torture. Everyone shits me up the pole except Pauline and Fiona. All the boys are immature and I hate them. And seeing Michael all the time and knowing what he thinks of me is the saddest thing in the world. It is also a relief. Later: At least it’s easier this way and I don’t have to worry about it not working out because it already hasn’t. And I don’t have to worry if I’m sweet enough for him, because I’m already not. It’s easier with Michael not loving me.

Wednesday December 11th

I snobbed Michael on the way to school and in roll-call and on the way home. He went up to Cheryl and asked if I had the shits with him and she said something, probably against me. On the way home, I didn’t talk to him and he had the nerve to ask me why I wasn’t saying much. I said that I had good reason and that he wouldn’t be saying much if someone was calling them a tart all over the place. He said, “who said I called you a tart?” I just said that I heard, then Cheryl comes in and says “he didn’t call you a tart, Bernie”. Then Michael asked Cheryl if she told me he told her I was a tart. She just said I got it wrong. See, GREAT BLOODY FRIEND. She knows very well what he said and she wouldn’t stick up for me. I really can’t take her. When Michael went home, she told me off for getting her in a spot like that. All she bloody thinks of is herself. And she told me what I should have said and what I shouldn’t have said. Fair dinkum, Michael is supposed to be coming to the cricket with us next week. All I’m going to say is that if Michael goes, I’m not going, so it will be interesting to see who Cheryl picks to go with and if by chance she does pick Michael, ha ha, I’ll make it clear to her that she can just go and find herself another bloody cricket partner. I don’t know how to behave loving Michael, so it’s good I hate him. I know how to do hate.

Monday February 17th

Well, Cheryl got to Michael. He comes over this morning and goes “is it true?” My heart was thumping that fast and I nodded. He went quiet for ages and so did I. Then he asked what happened, and I told him everything from start to finish with no bullshit at all. I don’t know why. I guess I needed someone to talk to properly, even though it was my boyfriend. He made out like it was Darrell’s fault and not mine. It shitted me the way he kept asking me to explain who did what and who said what.